It's okay, I have issues too

This afternoon, Bekah (our sitter) texted me about something Nate said that cracked her up. She was changing Nate's pull-up and couldn't get it on straight, and she said, "Sorry, Nate! I'm having issues today!" Nate laughed and said, "That's okay, Miss Bekah. I have issues too."

I laughed and laughed and laughed, because a) kids say the funniest things and b) after the morning we had, if I didn't laugh about his "issues" I probably would have cried!

We had a rough morning. Nate is like his mama--NOT a morning person. This morning he was wailing as soon as he woke up, and he screamed over every little thing. He cried over my hair dryer being too loud and drowning out his cartoons, so he wanted a do-over ... he actually wanted me to turn up the TV and dry my hair AGAIN. He was insistent. Of course I was equally insistent: No.

Then, true to our Love and Logic book, I gave him a choice: Nate, do you want to get dressed while we're still upstairs, or do you want to get dressed downstairs (I couldn't have cared less either way, but supposedly giving kids choices makes them more compliant. Whatever!) Nate's choice: "I don't want to get dressed." Okay, sticking with my Love and Logic, I chose for him: Let's get dressed upstairs. We have been working on him learning to dress himself lately, so I made him pull his shirt over his head, pull up his pants as far as he could get them, pull on his socks, etc ... all the while, he was throwing the biggest tantrum he could muster. I just remained calm, and kept going. Then he decided he wanted to get dressed downstairs instead of upstairs. So he wanted me to UNDRESS him, then DRESS him all over again, this time downstairs. Okay, this is just getting wierd! (And if there was any doubt, my answer was of course: No.) It was fit after fit like that all morning, but I was pretty proud of myself that I didn't get outwardly worked up about his tantrums at all.

In the moment, it feels like this is the "norm," that Nate always acts like this. He doesn't. Most of the time, he is a fun and lovable kid to be around, but when he's grumpy, he's really grumpy. All morning, I was struggling with what we're going to do with him. We see an OT for his sensory issues, we see a behavioral therapist for the tantrums, we are consistent at home (ahem, I am consistent, and Blake is sometimes a pushover, but still, not enough to "cause" these issues), we love our kids like crazy ... I always thought that it was the parents who didn't care who had the kids with the behavior issues! :) That was before I had kids!

I've said it before--Nate has always been a little mystery to me. I always feel like there is a piece of the puzzle that I just can't figure out yet. I fear I could be missing something. That's not an unfounded fear--there have been a few times when I've been sucker punched by a new diagnosis. So my goal is to always be proactive. I want to know anything and everything about his diagnosis, related conditions, community resources, therapies ... anything that might give Nate a better life and us a better understanding of him. I get involved, I do my research, I talk with other parents ... I feel like I "collect" SB moms on facebook and blogs. The more resources, the better! Because from time to time, I hear the parent of an SB teenager or adult say with regret, "Oh, if I had only known about this years ago..." about learning disabilities or Medicaid waivers or bowel management programs or school resources or whatever they feel would have made a difference in their child's life. I don't want regrets. But that is a lot of pressure to put on a mama.

This afternoon, I was on the phone with my mom, telling her my concerns about Nate's behavior and bouncing some ideas off her about what to do. Well, today is my mom's birthday, and with all those years comes wisdom ;) (she's actually very young in years and at heart). She said, "He doesn't need another specialist." Well, my first thought was "Blasphemy!" But, see, I do this from time to time. I lose sight of the big picture, of how things really work. When I start thinking things like, "Okay, we have a urologist who looks at the bladder and kidneys, and a neurosurgeon who looks at the brain and spine, and an orthopedic surgeon who looks at his legs and feet, and a neurologist who monitors for seizures, and a physical therapist who works on gross motor, and an occupational therapist who works on sensory and fine motor, and a behavioral therapist who works on tantrums ... but who's the specialist who looks at the WHOLE picture of Nate?" And I think and think and think about who that might be, until it dawns on me:

Duh! It's God!

And that's what my mom reminded me today. That God:
a) MADE Nate. Just like he is, on purpose. And because of that, He knows everything about him.
b) LOVES Nate, even more than I love Nate, and that's a whole lot.
c) started a good work in Nate and will continue it to completion. ("he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" Philippians 1:6)
d) started a good work in me too, and sometimes the really hard stuff is what refines us and gives us perseverence.
e) will give me wisdom to handle these "issues" the way they need to be handled, if I ask for it. And I need to ask for it on a daily basis, for all the daily issues that pop up.
f) doesn't want me stressed every day.

Collective deep breath, now.

So, yeah, Nate has some issues, and I have some issues of my own! That's alright. This is a journey, and I don't have to figure it all out today. I'm glad somebody has it all figured out--there's so much comfort in knowing God is in control and there's a purpose to all of this.

And by the way, Nate was back to his sweet, fun-loving self after hippotherapy this morning. Sometimes God does use specialists, and even smelly old horses, to work on our issues.