The shoulds

I'm not proud of this, but I have to admit that I am extremely critical of myself. I didn't use to be this way. One time I did a Bible study about how women talk to themselves so critically inside their heads, and I didn't relate to it at all. I have a pretty positive self-image, I thought to myself. But I guess when you add Three Kids and a Big Job, things start getting really real. I'll tell you my secret (which is probably not a secret to anyone): I'm in way over my head here. Not that this is helpful or an excuse in any way, but no one ever told me how much work having three kids is! Everyone (including myself) said, "Oh, the transition from one to two is harder than the transition from two to three" and "What's one more?" I'll tell you--it's a lot more! And I wouldn't trade anyone places for anything because I absolutely love my family and my life. I'm just sayin. Three kids is a lot of work. And my job? I am daily reminded that I am in many ways not qualified for it. I pray on my way to speaking engagements. I pray before employee evaluations. I pray for families when I don't know how to help them. And I pray before fundraising events that no one yells at me and I don't make a total fool of myself. Three Kids + Big Job = More than I can handle. Daily, I am humbled about not being enough.

Without even realizing it, this is my inner monologue:

I should keep this house cleaner.
I should do a load or two of laundry every night.
I should make a chore chart for the kids!
I should cook more often.
I should take my lunch every day.
I should eat less junk.
I should drink more water.
I should play outside with the kids more often.
I should be more intentional about teaching them about God.
I should read my Bible more.
We should be in church every Sunday.
We should travel more!
We should stay home more weekends.
I should sign the kids up for summer activities.
I should limit the kids' activities so they have more unstructured play time.
I should call my friends more.
I should be more patient with the kids.
I should do exercises and stretches with Nate at home.
I should spend more one on one time with Georgia.
I should sing and read to Bo more often, like I did with the other two.
I should work more hours.
I should be home with the family more.
We should save more money.
We should pay off debt!
We should give away more money to charity.
I should really buy a rug for the living room.
I should buy only local food.
I should plant a garden.
We should go to the movies more!
I should be more productive at work.
I should take the girls at work to lunch more often.
I should spend more time on programs.
I should spend more time on fundraising.
I should be more attentive to the babycenter message board I host.
I should blog more!
I should really work on those scrapbooks of the kids' photos.
I should take more photos of the kids.

I have a feeling I'm not alone in this. (Please tell me I'm not alone in this.) I think a lot of moms ... a lot of women ... a lot of people in general feel like they're never good enough. But where does this come from? Sometimes it might come from other people's criticisms. But if you're like me, you make a criticism out of something that's not a criticism. When Blake says, "We are so behind on laundry!" what I hear is "Why are you such a terrible house keeper?" when what he probably really means is "We are so behind on laundry!"

I can tell you for certain where it doesn't come from: God. That unkind, impatient, judgmental voice is not His! Remember--He MADE us. And I bet He doesn't appreciate us slamming his creation so intensely and flippantly and often. This evening, I made spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. Full disclosure--it was jar spaghetti sauce and frozen meatballs, and we didn't even have parmesan cheese or garlic bread. It didn't taste very good. I especially didn't like the new "heart healthy" sauce we bought to try out. Be that as it may, I was insulted when Blake said he wasn't a fan of the "low fat" meatballs (mind you, he picked them out so it was in no way a dig at me) and the kids didn't eat much of their dinner. I knew it had its flaws, but I MADE that for them, however crappy it was. Think how much more that God is hurt when He knits us together so delicately and intricately, and then we go complaining about our thighs and lack of math aptitude.

You know what's one of my favorite characteristics of God? His grace. He is perfect and powerful and so holy that it's unfathomable to us, and yet He loves us anyway. The greatest love we can imagine is the love we have for our children, and God loves us even more than that--enough to sacrifice his son. If He can love me that much, I should probably cut myself a little slack.

But, I don't hear God telling me, "You're enough, Colleen. Within you lies everything you need to keep all those kids alive, raise them to be amazing people, keep your marriage together despite the challenges, lead a nonprofit, talk on TV and in front of large crowds, figure out how to raise hundreds of thousands of dollars for it, and all the while keep up with the insurmountable laundry and dishes and hungry bellies I have entrusted to you." That's one thing I have right--I am not enough.

But He is. And He's there to whisper in my ear "Remember that verse 'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me''? ALL THE THINGS includes dishes and public speaking and disciplining small children. I don't have to be enough, and it's such a relief to take that pressure off myself. Come to think of it, all these "shoulds" are not so much insecurity as they are arrogance! Ouch. Instead:

I will thank God for these blessings.
I will turn my complaints into prayers.
I will try to see myself as He sees me.
I will go start a load of towels, and as I pass the other four baskets of dirty laundry, I will tell that negative inner voice to hush it.