Seeking Peace

You wouldn't necessarily know this since I didn't blog much (okay, barely at all) last year, but I spent the majority of 2014 feeling very restless and a little crazy. I don't usually have a great memory about specifics, but I remember January and February of last year very well because I was so miserable. There was so much snow. There was so little school. The kids were sick. And I couldn't get to work. That started my quest to regain some order and peace in my family's crazy life. I looked for the most reliable childcare options possible, even if they weren't what I would have chosen if reliability wasn't my first goal. That did help some. But I spent much of the rest of the year just marveling at the chaos of our life.

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Flashback to 8+ years ago: When Nate was born, I went back to work, first part time and then full time. He got sick so often that winter because: preemie, and daycare. Looking back, that was such a dumb decision. I was all, "He'll be fine! You shouldn't 'baby' babies so much! Back in my day ...." But after Nate was hospitalized twice with pneumonia, after holding him down so they could put an IV in his head, and after all manner of traumatizing experiences, enough was enough. I had never even considered the possibility of being a stay at home mom. Never ever. When I was a girl, I dreamed of moving to the big city and having an exciting career. I probably thought about having children too, but I don't recall a single daydream about staying home with babies. So one night at Walmart I was browsing the book aisle and saw a book about being a stay at home mom and for some reason picked it up and bought it. As I read it, God changed my heart. This is what I needed to do for my son at that point. I needed to keep him home to keep him healthy and help him with his development (Spina Bifida, physical therapy, that stuff).

So I quit my job, even when it didn't make sense, you know ... financially. Blake fully agreed with me and supported me, and he picked up a second job waiting tables after he was done selling mortgages all day. (I'm pretty sure that's what he does.) A few months later, the company he worked for in Lexington closed their office--a SCARY time for us--but transferred him to Tennessee. For six months he drove 2 hours to work and 2 hours back every single day while I worked on selling our home. We finally sold and moved to Tennessee, and two months after moving into a rental town home, that office shut down too. We were freaking out. His mom suggested he look for jobs in Louisville since nothing was panning out in Lexington. He applied for a job and got an IMMEDIATE call. He got the job, we came to Louisville to look for houses, and we bought this house that weekend. We still absolutely love Louisville 6.5 years later. I look back and marvel at that time in our family's life, because God orchestrated all of it, and we were just following even when it didn't make sense. If I had been working when Blake lost his job, it would have been a much more complicated decision to move, and I'm not sure we would have because I know me, and I probably would have gone all "But MY job!"

I had a pretty good hunch that one of the big reasons God moved us to Louisville was so I could get involved with the Spina Bifida Association of Kentucky. I was already working with them on a project to help expectant moms as part of my master's degree, but living in the same city meant we could get very involved in programs. We had Walk-N-Roll teams, we went to playgroups and holiday parties, and I finally finished my project and my master's program about a month before Georgia was born.

I thoroughly enjoyed staying at home. I loved the flexibility of it, and not having to feel like I was letting someone down if I had to stay home with a sick kid. I also worked very hard with Nate during my time at home, and we got that boy walking! (I am not sure how much I actually had to do with that, but I'll forever claim it as a victory anyway.) And of course we made wonderful memories, and I took a lot of pictures, and I even occasionally got a nap.

But that spring before Georgia turned one, I started feeling frustrated. I felt cooped up in the house. I complained that some days the most complex problem my brained tackled was how to most strategically load the dishwasher. I felt stuck. So when the program coordinator from SBAK called me to tell me she was leaving for another job, I had the terrible tact to announce that I wanted to apply for the job. I prayed about it, and I was (and still am) certain that was exactly where God wanted me. I LOVED that job. I was one of those annoying people who constantly told others that I had the best job on the planet. It didn't feel like work. I was so stimulated, mentally and creatively, and felt like I was truly making a difference in other people's lives.

Then the Executive Director job came open. At first, when people asked me if I was interested in applying, I adamantly said no. Why would I? I love my current job! Plus, I wasn't fully qualified for the ED job. But over the next couple of months, God was working on me. I told Him He was crazy for thinking I could do that job. He told me I should do it anyway, and He would work through me. After much prayer and even testing Him a little through the process, I became absolutely certain that was where God wanted me. I applied and interviewed, and to be honest I kicked butt in that interview. I surprised myself. Or I should say that God showed up and made me look really good. I got the job, and I was basically scared to death.

For 3.5 years, I showed up to work fully aware that I was not enough for that job, but I was clinging to Him. I prayed a lot. (Probably why God put me in this situation, so I would have to lean on Him.) I prayed before speaking engagements, I prayed before employee evaluations, and I prayed over grant applications as I put them in the mail. And it was the most thrilling experience I've ever had. What an amazing opportunity to expand my skills and try things I'd otherwise never have the chance to. I designed billboards! I spoke at the Spina Bifida National Conference! I was part of a viral video! I started a satellite office in Lexington! Over those 3.5 years, I assembled a team, and we changed the face of the organization. It was amazing.

When I started, I knew it would be tough to do this BIG JOB and to do it well, with two little kids at home. I got the job in September, and that fall was when Nate had a bunch of health complications and surgeries. Then in January I discovered I was pregnant! Surprise! How in the world was I going to throw another kid in the mix when I was already in way over my head? God wasn't surprised or the least bit concerned. He assured me that He had this. I went back to work five weeks after Bo was born, and at most programs he was strapped onto me in a baby carrier. I pumped in my office. I was a zombie for a few months. But we were still doing really great things, miraculously.

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So back to last year. It felt like everything was spinning out of control. It was becoming increasingly more difficult to find the floor of our home. I got so frustrated when one of the kids was sick and I had to stay home because I HAD WORK TO DO. So I spent sick days juggling my little beloved and checking emails and working on whatever project was at hand. Last year was also when we finally got to the bottom of Nate's quirks and behavior issues. We took him to an amazing doctor who evaluated him and diagnosed him with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. We decided to try medication to give him a little relief from his own misery, and we started therapy for him. At some point in the year I started noticing that Georgia is also dealing with her own anxiety. It looks different, but it's just as concerning. I do believe that their anxiety is inherited (Blake has battled anxiety since childhood, though he didn't have an official diagnosis until he was an adult), but I had to admit that our crazy life wasn't helping anything.

So, what do I mean by crazy life. We have the typical crazy mornings of anyone with multiple kids in school. They can't find their shoes, they take too long to eat breakfast, where is your homework? That kind of stuff. But add in extremely terrible moods, the fact that I am not a morning person at all, and my own stress that if I don't get all these little people where they need to be on time, I will be late for work. Many, many, many days, after huge battles and fights and tears and regretted words in the morning, I would no sooner get settled into work before I would get a phone call that someone was sick or forgot their backpack or a thousand other reasons for me to have to leave work. If I did work a full day, I would try to milk every second I could out of it because I didn't know if I would be there the next day, and I would end up leaving a few minutes late, and then stuck in traffic, and completely STRESSED OUT that I wasn't going to make it in time. Either to pick up the kids from daycare and after school care or for the nanny to leave on time. Every single day, I was so stressed that my stomach was in knots on the way home. I hated it. Then when I got home, we often had to immediately head out to therapy or an appointment, run through a drive through for dinner, all the kids were tired and cranky, and then we had to do bedtime routines and get ready to do it all again the next day. I don't want to sound like a martyr here, because Blake picked up a ton of the slack. For much of the time I was working, he was the primary cook and did the majority of the laundry and probably half of the dishes. And by the time I got home I was just so tired--mostly mentally and emotionally--that I just plain old didn't feel like doing anything. I didn't like what our life had become. I didn't know how to get off the crazy train. Still, I loved my job. I really, really did. I loved that organization and everything we were doing. And I felt so torn because I never felt like I was doing enough for SBAK, or that I was doing enough for my family. It was one thing to choose a crazy life for myself, but I realized it was affecting my kids and Blake too.

Last summer, on a whim, I ordered the book "Interrupted" by my fav Christian author Jen Hatmaker. I had already read her book "7" in 2013 and it had turned my life upside down for awhile, so I was prepared that it could happen again. And it did. The premise of the book is that Jen was feeling spiritually dead, despite all the good Christian-y things she was doing, so she prayed, "Lord, raise in my a holy passion." And it completely changed her life. So with some trepidation, I started praying the same prayer. That's a dangerous prayer, and I knew it. But I was also desperate to feel spiritually whole again instead of so spread thin and fragmented.

About a month later was the kids' first day of school. It was a very emotional day. First of all, Nate rode the regular school bus instead of the special needs bus for the first time. I'll always remember him climbing those steps on his own. Even bigger, Georgia started Kindergarten. After I saw them board the bus, Bo and I went to school to greet them as they entered. (I know, lame, but the school asked that bus riders actually ride the bus the first day and suggested parents meet their Kindergartners at school. So it wasn't my idea, but I was relieved at the suggestion.) They were nervous, but everything was fine. And THEN, if that wasn't enough, I dropped Bo off for his first day of daycare at a new "real" daycare. (Previously he was at an in-home daycare with someone we had been sending all three kids to for years.) The previous day we had dropped in for about an hour to sort of introduce him to the place, and I was just haunted by this other little two year old who incessantly--the entire time I was there--bawled "Mommy comin later .... Mommy comin later .... Mommy comin later...." This sad child just kept repeating what the teacher said to comfort her. I couldn't hold back the tears! I still tear up thinking about that. Of course she got used to daycare and is still there and doing fine, but I was just so sad about it all. I strategically dropped Bo off that morning during outside play time, and he couldn't have cared less if I ever came back as long as he got to play outside.

I went to the parking lot and sat in my van and cried and texted Blake to tell him about the morning. He texted back "I wish we could afford for you to stay home with the kids." Three months earlier, I would have probably been really irritated that he said that and even spouted off something defensive about how he didn't think my job was important. But that day, I truthfully answered back, "Me too."

God is so tricky! It amazes me how He not only shows us what He wants us to do next, but he also MAKES US WANT TO DO IT. Over the past nearly five years of working at SBAK, I had no desire to stop working! I'm sure I told a dozen people in various conversations that although I was grateful for my time at home with Nate and Georgia, staying at home just wasn't right for me right now. And that is actually true! It wasn't right for me then. But all of a sudden, it was right. And I want to make that clear--I don't believe that God wants all women to leave their jobs and stay home to raise babies. I don't believe it because I KNOW in my heart that God wanted me to work at SBAK during that time period. But in 2014, starting in the beginning of the year and increasingly as the months went by, He made me restless enough that by the time I dropped the kids off for their first day of school, I was ready to accept that He wanted me to make a change. God knows He has to make me miserable before I'll consent to a big change like that. After that, day by day I became more and more miserable. He was clearly speaking to me. I started longing to be at home. Work started mattering less and less to me. And one day shortly after that text convo, one of us brought it up again. Blake and I were both in agreement that we didn't know how, but we knew I had to quit my job.

That was HARD. That job was a part of me, and it was sometimes physically painful to think about separating myself from it. We made the decision in September that I would resign, but we figured it would be spring or summer of this year before we were financially ready to lose my income. We started taking steps to pay off or consolidate debt, decrease any monthly payments we could, etc. I kept asking God when I should leave, and it was so annoying that all I heard back, every time, was "Now." Um, God? You know I can't just leave, right? I mean, what would they DO? The Walk-N-Roll is coming up, I just hired a new staff person who isn't fully trained yet, and I can't just leave a gap while they find a new ED." Even then, I knew God was chuckling at me and my arrogance and lack of faith. One day I told Blake that I didn't think I could wait until spring to quit. I thought I should be done by the end of the year. He said he didn't think there was any way we could be ready by then. And I said, "I don't think God really cares what you think." He thought about it for less than a minute and said, "If that's what God's telling you, that's what we'll do." Oh, I am so glad I'm married to a man who knows the same God I know. If I was married to a non-believer and said something like that, they would think I was crazy and would never respect my reasoning for decisions. I gave my notice in early November and promised my board chair I wouldn't leave a gap. God kept it up with allowing life to get harder and harder. :) Hey, he told me "Now"! I really wonder what might have happened if I had actually listened. I know for one thing my Christmas season would have been a lot more enjoyable. I was pretty miserable in December. I was stressed about the shopping and the planning and the traveling and the finishing up work and the holiday parties. It wasn't fun. But once Christmas was finally here, we did have a very nice Christmas.

A few days after Christmas, we left for a week long vacation to Florida. Even though I wasn't "officially" done with work, it felt like the beginning of a new chapter. It was such a relaxing week just spending time with our little family. When we came back, I had already taken Bo out of daycare, and I worked part time for two weeks until the new ED was named. And she is one of the staff people I hired, and I think she will do such a great job leading SBAK. In many ways, she will do a much better job. And what a lovely way to leave a job--on good terms, continuing to volunteer for the things I'm passionate about, and able to say no to things I don't want to do anymore. She asked me once how I feel about leaving. Am I sad? Not anymore. I think I would be sad if God hadn't made it so definitely clear that this is the right decision and the best thing for me and my whole family. He doesn't just make willy-nilly decisions. I can rest assured that He has good plans for me. Plans to prosper me, not to harm me. One of the most overwhelming feelings I have leaving SBAK is (I regret to admit) relief. For 3.5 years, the organization rested on my shoulders. That was an honor for me, but it was still a great weight. I also tried really hard to not feel like a failure. I wanted to stay in that job for at least 5 years to provide stability to the organization. But I have just accepted that I was only meant to be there for a season to provide a transition from one ED to the next, and to accomplish a few specific purposes. I may never know the full extent of any impact I had, but I just have to be satisfied that I did the best I could, by the grace of God, and that is plenty good enough. I am also filled with anticipation and excitement. See, I know that God wants me home to spend precious years with Bo. I know he wants me to take better care of my people. But I also think he has some surprises in store for me. Some plans that I couldn't even dream up if I tried, and that I wouldn't be available for if I was working full time. I have some ideas about what those could be, but I don't even want to speculate too much. It's like knowing someone bought you a special gift, and you just savor the anticipation of the surprise, knowing they loved you enough to do something amazing for you and that they want to present it to you at just the perfect time.

Last week I heard myself telling someone that I was trying to create a more peaceful house, and that was the first time it really hit me that that is what is driving everything I'm doing right now. (Hello, Colleen, have we met?) That's why I left my job. That's why I'm so stupidly excited that I am finally, after 2.5 weeks home, caught up on laundry. We've also started some remodeling projects (not typically peaceful, but this hasn't been bad), and I just realized today that I've chosen very peaceful paint colors to replace the bright and crazy colors on the walls now. I've been looking into essential oils more and started diffusing lavender to try help the kids' anxiety, and Sunday night when some friends were over for a Super Bowl party, one of them actually said, "Your house seems really calm." So it's working? I'm trying to create a more peaceful home to combat the chaos we have experienced for a few years now but especially the last 12 months. I'm trying to help the kids learn how to manage their anxiety, instead of contributing to it with a crazy schedule and unorganized home. I love this verse: "My people will live in peaceful dwelling places, in secure homes, in undisturbed places of rest." (Isaiah 32:18) But it just dawned on me a few hours ago that, even though the steps I'm taking toward peace are important, the key to peace isn't having enough drawer space to fit all of our clothes, or having a schedule for me to grocery shop every Monday so we have something the kids like to eat for breakfast every morning, or even me and Bo greeting the kids at the bus stop each afternoon. No, the key to peace is God Himself. He tells us to seek and pursue peace, and he will bless us with it. I am so thirsty for His peace, and it's my greatest wish for my husband and children.

I hope this won't be my only blog post of 2015. One of my many goals for my time at home--however long it may be--is to once again record my favorite memories and all the wonderful and funny things the kids say that I will want to always remember. Here's to a great 2015.

Shake it Off Spina Bifida

For Spina Bifida Awareness Month, some friends and I shot videos of our kids lip syncing to Shake it Off. It turned out so cute! Thanks to all the great people who did videos, and a big thanks to Karla Klementina for putting it together! Take that Spina Bifida!

Nate the Great T-shirt!

Whether you love the children's story or love our Nate Payne or both--you have to have your own Nate the Great T-shirt! All proceeds go to our 2014 Walk-N-Roll for Spina Bifida Team, which is aptly named Team Nate the Great!

This is a pre-order. You have until October 7 to order your shirts, then I will place the order with the printer. Shirts will arrive about two weeks later, in time for the Walk-N-Roll on Oct. 25!

If you live outside of Louisville and would like your shirt shipped to you, please order on this page. If you live in Louisville or do not want your shirt shipped to you, please send me a message on Facebook or to ecolleenpayne@gmail.com letting me know how many T-shirts you would like, and which sizes (so you will not pay shipping).

Shirts are available in Youth sizes S-XL ($13), Adult sizes S-XL ($15), and Adult sizes 2X-4X ($17). Shipping is $2.50 per shirt.

Sizes

Youth S $13.00 USD Youth M $13.00 USD Youth L $13.00 USD Youth XL $13.00 USD Adult S $15.00 USD Adult M $15.00 USD Adult L $15.00 USD Adult XL $15.00 USD Adult 2X $17.00 USD Adult 3X $17.00 USD

The Spinning Adventure of Nate and the Teacups

Nate has been working hard on a personal narrative at school (2nd grade). He brought it home today for us to proofread together.

The Spinning Adventure of Nate and the Teacups

Meet the Author: Hi, My name is Nate Austin Payne. That's why my anitial is A. When I grow up, I'm gonna be a Rockstar or a  train Engineer. I love trains so I almost think I agree to be a Train Engineer. My favorite subject is Stations, Art, and Science. My home is in Kentucky (omitting address because this is the internet). I have a sister named Georgia Anne payne, A brother named Bowen Robert Payne, A dad named Blake Austin Payne, and a mom named Erin Colleen payne (which is the manager of the Spina Bifida Association of Kentucky (which doesn't have a o for SBAK.

Note from Colleen to explain that last part: He thinks the "of" in Spina Bifida Association of Kentucky should be represented in the acronym. So, SBAOK. Which is cute.

That really looks like Blake.

One day in Magic Kingdom in Adventureland I was on the teacups at Disneyland. We yelled WOOOOH!!!! louder when we spun faster. We rode on it three times. Our teacup was pink with a yellow fat curvy line around  the oval teacup. It was blue inside and purple on the bottom vase. I turned the wheel, then my sister than daddy. The music was with violins, pianos, trumpets, bongos, a tuba, and a mandoline.

First one we didn't go as fast as daddy can. Second time we didn't have time to. And the 3rd time we had time to do it. Our setting was like in a beautiful, colorful pentagon circus. My belly and back tickled  more ticklish when we went faster and faster. When we were going around the maze I walked on the wooden edges and held onto the fence. It looked like a giant snake going round, round, and round. The Mad tea party first said, "Enjoy the ride" and then it did it in french or spanish. And when we were spinning with royal music it was like our part was the WOOOH! of the song of opra.

That's us on the monorail.

The whole family planned to go on the Mad tea party first. We danced to the music as we were watching and waiting in line. But finnally we had to go to another ride. We played all day and then took a break, Then  played some more, and then we took the Navy Blue Monorail that is white with yellow triangle doors back to our calypso All Star Music Hotel. On the teacups I felt almost like I was gonna fall off!

Night night, sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite! we whispered.

Message: Anytime you are excited and you want to do something like 1000 times, calm down so we can do other fun stuff that we have checked.

A Wednesday in the Life

I just found a draft of a blog post I wrote in September 2013 that I for some reason never published. I had a good time re-reading it (although it made me tired), and I figured I should finally post it for posterity's sake.

After I left for work today, I guess Blake fell asleep on the couch for a few minutes and had a nightmare. He woke up gasping for air, heart pounding. What was his nightmare? He said he dreamed that we had another baby, and our life was absolute chaos! Kids were screaming, dishes piled up in the sink, laundry piled up everywhere, and we just couldn't keep up. I cracked up at his dream--hilarious! Also slightly dramatic ... But I do understand where he's coming from. Sometimes our life is insane.  Not necessarily in a bad way, just a crazy whirlwind life. Most of the time we are barely holding it together. Sometimes we're ok with that, and other times it drives us crazy.

Our parents tell us that, although they love spending time with the kids, it's exhausting because they aren't used to quite that much energy and constant child-minding. I guess you have to build up to it, but it's still tiring for us too. With small children, there's just no break. I joke that when I leave work, I'm heading to the second shift. Home is harder work than work, no question. Don't get me wrong--I love it (most parts). But it's just ... a lot.

Then I think about how when Blake and I are our parents' age, will we look back on this time as the best time of our lives, when our children are little? Will I remember the chaos, or just the giggles and snuggles? One of my favorite things about blogging is when I can go back and read things that happened even last year that I would have forgotten had I not written them down. So for that reason, I thought I would document a day in our crazy life.

7:12 am--After pressing the snooze button three times, I finally got up and showered.

7:37 am--I woke up Nate and Georgia. Nate was actually in a good mood this morning, which is very unusual. Unfortunately, Georgia was in a terrible mood. So they basically switched personalities. Bo woke up when he heard us, so I handed him off to Blake, who took him downstairs and started making breakfast for the kids. I had Nate and Georgia visit the bathroom, got them dressed, brushed their hair, and sent them downstairs. Georgia screamed like I was murdering her when I brushed her hair, then she screamed even louder when she thought Nate was going to bump into her as he skidded down the stairs on his butt behind her. I stayed upstairs to finish getting ready for work while the kids ate breakfast. Eggos, strawberries and grapes, and milk for the big kids. A pancake, two handfuls of cheerios, and half a waffle he swiped from Georgia's plate for Bo.

8:10 am--I came downstairs and poured a bowl of cereal, but I had to get up between nearly every bite as kids needed stuff, the baby was crying, I was getting stuff ready for school, etc. The dining room table and kitchen island were covered with junk, so I was trying to clear things off because I knew we would have one of Nate's therapists over that afternoon. Every week, I apologize and make excuses for the mess, but after like three months of seeing like that every week, you run out of excuses and have to just admit "we live like this."

8:23 am--"Nate, the bus will be here any minute!" He was still eating. I brushed his teeth. Then I realized his shirt wasn't tucked in, he wasn't wearing a belt, and he didn't have his shoes on! I ran around frantically looking for two shoes and two braces, yelling, "Where are your shoes!!!! Help me find your shoes! You're going to be late for the bus!" Which didn't help, because Nate just stood there helplessly asking if the bus would leave him and I found his shoes. Then I realized he had tied knots in them! Panic!!

8:35 am--The bus finally got here and Nate happily got on and Georgia and I waved to him from the sidewalk. Then it was time to get Bo dressed. I finished cleaning up a bit and got everything together for Georgia to take to school and Bo to take to Bekah's.

8:53 am--Aack! In my attempt to not get Georgia to school TOO early (they won't get her out of the car rider line until 8:50), I have wasted too much time and will now be late! Panic again! Everyone in the car!

9:02 am--Drop Georgia off at the last possible minute before all the car rider line attendants go inside. Whew! That was a little too close.

9:15 am--Drop Bo off at Bekah's house. He loves his Bekah! He gets so excited when he gets there, and he loves the other kids there. Exhale and drive to work in solitude.

9:40 am--Get to work. We have two of our biggest events coming up in the next two weeks. This Saturday is our motorcycle run, and in two weeks is our Walk. We are working hard on both events. One of the reasons I love my job is that it's a small shop and I get to do lots of different things in a day. For example, today I worked on a press release, wrote some radio promos, designed a meme (so fun), talked to a few sponsors, talked with my boss about a plan for handling cash at this weekend's event, chatted with a couple adults with SB.

2 p.m.--Nate's support broker (deals with our Medicaid waiver) called and said Nate's staff person this summer did not put the right pay rate on her time sheet, so they had to pay her at a much higher rate than we had planned. The support broker acted like this was my fault, that I didn't fill out a new contract for her at the beginning of the summer. Um, that's why I told you, "This is what we want to pay her" and you said, "Ok, that's fine." It's your job to keep up with the endless paperwork for Medicaid. I told her we did that rate for a reason, and if they are just paying her at a much higher rate, our budget will run out by the end of the year! She thinks it will be fine. Grrr! I really hate it when other people's mistakes threaten what we have planned.

3:20 p.m.--Oh, I have plenty of time to get downtown for my big important meeting. WAIT! I forgot, the appointment is actually at 3:30! Panic!!! Pray! Park in the parking garage and start speedwalking while searching my emails on my phone about the room number for the meeting and realize ... Oh, it actually is at 4. I have time to kill now. :)

4 p.m.--Have a meeting about funding and partnership. It was not at all what I expected it to be, and I walked out of their with my head spinning.

5 p.m.--Drive home in rush hour. Call my mom and talk to her on the way home, like I do every day.

5:30 p.m.--Got home to the second shift. Nicole picks up Bo and Georgia every day and meets Nate's bus at our house so they are all home when I get there. On Wednesdays, we always have an appointment with Nate's behavior therapist, and Georgia has dance. I usually do the therapist meeting with Nate, and Blake comes home to take Georgia to dance. Today he forgot, and Georgia was already in her dance costume. I thought she would be super disappointed, but by the time I got there she was fine. She wanted to tell me all about her day at school. Bo was so sleepy and cried and complained about everything. Nate was in the bathroom and then came out naked from the waist down and everyone told him to put some pants on. I was starving because I hadn't really eaten lunch, so I grabbed a banana but Bo decided he wanted it and threw a fit until he got some. I tried to teach him to say banana. Georgia kept telling me stories about her day. Nate needed help getting dressed. And I was desperately trying to talk to the behavior therapist about her visit to Nate's school to observe him last week. The kids decided to go outside, and I started making the quickest dinner I could come up with--scrambled eggs, sausage links, and cinnamon rolls. I did get to talk to the therapist some, and we made a plan for what to suggest to Nate's teacher about a little issue at school. I got dinner on the table and started the kids eating, made Bo a bottle and sat on the couch to feed him as she left.

7 p.m.--Made the kids promise they wouldn't yell for me while I took Bo upstairs to rock him and put him in bed. He fought it for a minute but then settled down and laid his head on my chest. Ahhh. That was the first quiet, restful moment I'd had since getting home. I stayed there a little longer than necessary because it was so nice snuggling with a sleepy baby. I put him in his crib, he laid face down with his butt in the air and went to sleep.

7:20 p.m.--Prepared for Nate's nightly bathroom routine. I went down to get him, but then I saw my neighbor outside and went out to chat because they are moving tomorrow. Nate and Georgia saw some neighbor kids playing outside and Nate took off running with them but Georgia stayed with me because they had their big dog with them. This set our routine back more than I liked, but sometimes I have to remember to stop and talk to neighbors even at the expense of throwing off our routine.

7:45 p.m.--Finally got the kids inside and upstairs. I started Nate's bathroom routine and started going through both of the kids' backpacks for homework, papers to sign, newsletters, etc. I helped him with his homework--reading a book for about 20 minutes, and then coming up with three text-to-self examples. I had to look that up on Wikipedia to know what that even meant.

8:45 p.m.--Blake got home and started to put the kids to bed.

9:30 p.m.--I finished up little loose ends to get us ready for school tomorrow and got ready for bed. I climbed in bed with my laptop. I ordered Nate's school pictures, checked my email accounts, looked at Facebook, checked on my Spina Bifida babycenter group and answered several posts.

11:28 p.m.--Lights out!

12:15 a.m.--Maggie needs to go out.

Bo at one

Today Bo is one! This is what he can do:

Say dada, Georgia (jaja), hi, bye bye (dye dye), cheerio (eerio), and choo choo.

 

 

Wave bye bye ... at himself, cause that's how it looks when people wave at him. Adorable.

 

Sign "more." (We're working on thanks and water.)

 

Crawl (often with two hands, a knee, and a foot), cruise along furniture, and take about a step on his own as of yesterday.

 

Eat ANYTHING with four little teeth. A common breakfast is an entire banana and two pancakes.

 

Climb upstairs faster than you can catch him.

 

Remove the batteries from the TV remote control in 2 seconds flat.

Give kisses.

Everyone in the family loves this little guy so much! He's sweet and lovable, funny and feisty, and always smiling! Happy first birthday, little Bo!

First day of school

Georgia told me everything that happened, and several things that didn't!

She had a purple folder!
Everyone loved her dress.
There was a baby there the same size as Bo, and his name was Bo, and it looked like Bo, and he cried a lot.
There was a fire and they had to go out to the playground, and the loud alarm scared the baby.
There were infinity bathrooms.
The toilets flush over and over again but she wasn't afraid of them.
The teacher had an important thing to tell them. It was: Do not mix the sand and the water.
They sang a song. (She made up a song right there about a little girl and a dress and Cinderella.)
She painted me a picture but it blew away on the playground.
She swung on a big girl swing.
She went to the lunchroom all by herself to eat and then came back to the classroom where all the other kids were.
If she stays on green all week she can pick a prize out of the prize box. There was a bracelet in there, and she's been needing a new bracelet.
The baby got in trouble and was put on yellow but got back on green before the end of the day.
There was a rest time and they laid on little beds. She didn't go to sleep. Some kids weren't quiet, but she was.
They sang karaoke, and she did a song called "One Little Lamb." (She made up the song right there, about a lamb and a baby, socks, sunglasses, lipstick, a purse, and a unicorn.)

As usual, Nate didn't have as much to tell.
Nate likes his teacher. The class doesn't go too fast (like she said it would).
He didn't have time to eat his KitKat at lunchtime, and he threw it in the trash. (sad face)
They went on a short walk on the sidewalk, but then it started raining so they stood in place and did yoga.
They did not do "sharing time" during their morning meeting, cause second graders are too old for that.
They learned about using dashes "on a date," which confused me at first, but I quickly figured out he means, "in dates."

So far everyone is loving school!

Interview with Nate--7 years old

Every year I like to interview the kids around their birthdays and compare from year to year. I'm a little late. Nate turned 7 on June 25. I cannot wrap my brain around him being this old. In my head he's still 5. I think the weirdest thing is that I can vividly remember being 7. It's so crazy, and a little intimidating, that he is going to remember so much of what's going on now. Like I could mess up a little before and he was too little for it to have any lasting damage, but not so now. :) It's kind of like a grace period to get your parenting stuff together ... and now it's over.

Anyway, I love talking with Nate cause he's so honest and thoughtful and funny. Here was our conversation tonight.

What is the coolest thing about being 7?
Nate: Getting new toys and stuff for my early birthday weekend.
Like what?
Nate: Boy stuff.

What do you think 2nd grade will be like?
Nate: I don't know. I never saw it yet. Wait, mama, I want you to change what I said, Ok? I think we'll have sleep time there, and I really think we're going to have to read the newspaper.

What will you do that's different than 1st grade?
Nate: We'll have to write more, and we'll have to write on harder paper than first graders' paper. Paper gets harder and harder until you're a grown up and it won't have to be school paper anymore. But it will just get a teeny bit harder every year.

What has been your best age so far?
Nate: Um, it's been 6, but now I love every age that I get, and I'm probably going to get used to being 7.

What do you want to be when you grow up?
Nate: A train engineer. I might have to be a train engineer and a singer! I want to be a singer and a train engineer, will that be okay? I really want to be both.

Are you going to be married?
Nate: Yeah.
Who you going to marry?
Nate: I don't know yet.
What kind of girl do you think you like?
Nate: I don't know I just have to get a little bit older to see.

Georgia: I want to marry you!
Nate: You got to marry someone you don't know.

Where will you live?
Nate: I'll see when I'm a grown up.
But if you could live anywhere?
Nate: I don't know yet. I'll just have to buy a new car and stuff. I don't know how I'll get stuff yet.

What will be great about being a grown up?
Nate: I get to have kids! And I'll have a better house than this one.
Georgia: But Nate's kids might be wild! They might be mean to each other cause kids are mean sometimes.
Nate: I'll control them. I'm so excited cause when I'm a grown up I'll get to do whatever I want, like put them in timeout.
Anything else?
Nate: I can't wait to buy new vehicles. And the mom that I choose can pick out a car that's girlish, and I get to pick one that's boyish.

What do you like about being a kid?
Nate: I get to play with my sister.
Georgia: That's cool.
Nate: I get to snuggle with daddy. Mama, I don't like it cause you don't let us sleep in your bed, but  daddy does. So, Mama, I think you should start doing that cause your covers are so soft it makes us want to stay in there. Mama, why don't you do that? Mama, why don't you do that? Mama, why don't you do that?

Nate, age 7

Nine months old!

Hey guys. It's me, Bo.

So I can't believe it, but I'm nine months old today! Where does the time go? Seems like just yesterday I was drooling and crying like a little baby. Wait, that WAS yesterday!

I'm a pretty cool baby. At least my mom thinks so. I thought I'd tell you a little about myself.

I have a little hair, but the color is undeterminable. Could be blonde, red, or brown.

I have pretty blue eyes and eyelashes for miles.

My first tooth popped through this past weekend! I can't exactly chew stuff yet, but everyone is very excited.

I have just figured out how to army crawl about a foot in any direction and around in circles. It's so much harder than people carrying me everywhere, so I'm not thrilled with it, but I see the potential for grabbing my brother and sister's toys and getting into other trouble.

I really like pulling hair. A lot.

I'm still nursing when mama's around and I drink formula at the babysitter's house. I also eat stage 2 baby foods three times a day. I like fruit and sweet veggies the best, but I don't mind the green veggies either. Not a fan of the chicken and noodles baby food Daddy picked out.

I'm sleeping through the night now. It's what us big kids do. I sleep from about 8pm-6am and when I do occasionally wake up I don't usually need a snack anymore. It's pretty cool for everyone.

Smiling is my favorite! What can I say, I'm a happy boy! Except when I'm constipated.

For a baby, I give really great hugs. People love em.

I'm not proud of this, but I still like to be swaddled sometimes. I don't HAVE to be, but sometimes I choose to be, okay? Don't judge me.

I still like my wubbanub (pacifier) but only when really sleepy. We can probably do away with that soon. I'll be okay.

I say Da-Da a whole bunch, but never Ma-Ma. My favorite thing to say, though, is Eh. Eh eh eh EH! Eh! It can mean anything, really. Good morning, gimme that, look at that fish, etc. I also say it when Nate and Georgia are talking loud and I want to be like them.

It's been a fun nine months! But ... mama says I can have cake on my actual birthday. Come on, August!

The shoulds

I'm not proud of this, but I have to admit that I am extremely critical of myself. I didn't use to be this way. One time I did a Bible study about how women talk to themselves so critically inside their heads, and I didn't relate to it at all. I have a pretty positive self-image, I thought to myself. But I guess when you add Three Kids and a Big Job, things start getting really real. I'll tell you my secret (which is probably not a secret to anyone): I'm in way over my head here. Not that this is helpful or an excuse in any way, but no one ever told me how much work having three kids is! Everyone (including myself) said, "Oh, the transition from one to two is harder than the transition from two to three" and "What's one more?" I'll tell you--it's a lot more! And I wouldn't trade anyone places for anything because I absolutely love my family and my life. I'm just sayin. Three kids is a lot of work. And my job? I am daily reminded that I am in many ways not qualified for it. I pray on my way to speaking engagements. I pray before employee evaluations. I pray for families when I don't know how to help them. And I pray before fundraising events that no one yells at me and I don't make a total fool of myself. Three Kids + Big Job = More than I can handle. Daily, I am humbled about not being enough.

Without even realizing it, this is my inner monologue:

I should keep this house cleaner.
I should do a load or two of laundry every night.
I should make a chore chart for the kids!
I should cook more often.
I should take my lunch every day.
I should eat less junk.
I should drink more water.
I should play outside with the kids more often.
I should be more intentional about teaching them about God.
I should read my Bible more.
We should be in church every Sunday.
We should travel more!
We should stay home more weekends.
I should sign the kids up for summer activities.
I should limit the kids' activities so they have more unstructured play time.
I should call my friends more.
I should be more patient with the kids.
I should do exercises and stretches with Nate at home.
I should spend more one on one time with Georgia.
I should sing and read to Bo more often, like I did with the other two.
I should work more hours.
I should be home with the family more.
We should save more money.
We should pay off debt!
We should give away more money to charity.
I should really buy a rug for the living room.
I should buy only local food.
I should plant a garden.
We should go to the movies more!
I should be more productive at work.
I should take the girls at work to lunch more often.
I should spend more time on programs.
I should spend more time on fundraising.
I should be more attentive to the babycenter message board I host.
I should blog more!
I should really work on those scrapbooks of the kids' photos.
I should take more photos of the kids.

I have a feeling I'm not alone in this. (Please tell me I'm not alone in this.) I think a lot of moms ... a lot of women ... a lot of people in general feel like they're never good enough. But where does this come from? Sometimes it might come from other people's criticisms. But if you're like me, you make a criticism out of something that's not a criticism. When Blake says, "We are so behind on laundry!" what I hear is "Why are you such a terrible house keeper?" when what he probably really means is "We are so behind on laundry!"

I can tell you for certain where it doesn't come from: God. That unkind, impatient, judgmental voice is not His! Remember--He MADE us. And I bet He doesn't appreciate us slamming his creation so intensely and flippantly and often. This evening, I made spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. Full disclosure--it was jar spaghetti sauce and frozen meatballs, and we didn't even have parmesan cheese or garlic bread. It didn't taste very good. I especially didn't like the new "heart healthy" sauce we bought to try out. Be that as it may, I was insulted when Blake said he wasn't a fan of the "low fat" meatballs (mind you, he picked them out so it was in no way a dig at me) and the kids didn't eat much of their dinner. I knew it had its flaws, but I MADE that for them, however crappy it was. Think how much more that God is hurt when He knits us together so delicately and intricately, and then we go complaining about our thighs and lack of math aptitude.

You know what's one of my favorite characteristics of God? His grace. He is perfect and powerful and so holy that it's unfathomable to us, and yet He loves us anyway. The greatest love we can imagine is the love we have for our children, and God loves us even more than that--enough to sacrifice his son. If He can love me that much, I should probably cut myself a little slack.

But, I don't hear God telling me, "You're enough, Colleen. Within you lies everything you need to keep all those kids alive, raise them to be amazing people, keep your marriage together despite the challenges, lead a nonprofit, talk on TV and in front of large crowds, figure out how to raise hundreds of thousands of dollars for it, and all the while keep up with the insurmountable laundry and dishes and hungry bellies I have entrusted to you." That's one thing I have right--I am not enough.

But He is. And He's there to whisper in my ear "Remember that verse 'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me''? ALL THE THINGS includes dishes and public speaking and disciplining small children. I don't have to be enough, and it's such a relief to take that pressure off myself. Come to think of it, all these "shoulds" are not so much insecurity as they are arrogance! Ouch. Instead:

I will thank God for these blessings.
I will turn my complaints into prayers.
I will try to see myself as He sees me.
I will go start a load of towels, and as I pass the other four baskets of dirty laundry, I will tell that negative inner voice to hush it.